Subconscious Thots

Irritating Bast**r

2005-10-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

It's 10:23 @ nite n I'm hanging out in this interet cafe wif a bunch of kids gaming ard me... wat e heck am I doing here? Gd qn.. coz I've nowhere else to hang out... it's a Minday which means nowhere for me to club... Out of all days, he has to choose this fu*king anniversary day to irritate the hell outta me... showing me f*cking attitude over a stupid thing.. how da*m matue he is... wat the fu*k..
Anyway I'm feeling way better here than seeing his face if I go back... e nite is still young n I'm nt working tom...

Recently read a novel called Where Rainbows end.. a nice story which lead me to reconsider some decisions I made in my life... lotsa "wat ifs" crept into my head.. but then again... u can't rewind n go back to e past.. so it's better to bury whatever feelings ... n think abt e present...

Work's e norm...my day depends on e crew... *yawns* wat's new? D*mm cold in here... All these kids do nt need to study tom meh? Hang out here 4 wat ?

Dunno y I'm writing all these useless stuff...

SkY SoO bLuE.. i'M a DaRkEr ShAdE oF BlUe

2005-08-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

It's a rainy day... fits my slightly depression mood...Y do ppl visit a shrink? I think its becoz they dun hv frenz wo really listens n give reassurances... tat's y they pay ppl to listen to them... Listening to Jolin's [Tian Kong].. really suits my mood wor... JJ's [Endless Road] will make me cry...

" Can u treat me better.. can u dun make me worse than I feel... can u stop commanding me ard? U're nt a commander n I'm nt ur soldier... Dun give me attitude n apologise after tat. The world doesn't work this way. Treat me d way u want me to treat u. I know tat u care for me n need me in ur life... so y do u treat me this way ? I need respect. Dun force someone who loves u to give up on u."

2005-07-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

~^* My forever cutsie * ^~
(U deserve d best in everything)

~* Ferline ^+~

My 1st pic

2005-07-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah... now then I realised tat uploading photos here is so easy.... tried to upload b4 but was unsuccessful....

Just fetched my sis from my pri schl... a few memories flooded ack.. d times my mum waited 4 me n bro after schl @ d void deck... d $1 da da bao mee hoon .. :) It's 9 yrs back.. but everything seemed so vivid....

Hv so many things to say yet seemed nothing much to say now... Hmm.. in d midst of applying leave to go BKK wif my dearie, his sis n hubby... seems like a couple hol hor ? haha hope to hv wonderful memories there, can relax wif d cheap spas n massage.. n shop till we drop!! haha.. So trying to curb my expenses now.. so tat can hv more Bhat to spend!! :P

Recently.. just had a check.. on an India flight.. haven gt e results yet.. but I think I'm lucky coz d senior @ d back is ok wif my work n d CIC says my work is gd.. phew!!! 2 down, 4 more checks to go!! *pray hard*

Just finished Tony Parsons " Boy & Man" + " The Family Way".. I enjoyed d latter more... a realistic author.. who uses simple words to engage u in reality .. cool...

I guess I'm an emotional person. Sometimes I dunno myself... I hate to hv da qi da luo feelings... but wat to do? I'm dependent on others emotionally....( my loved ones) when u r nice to me, I feel exceptionally high n lucky. When u shout at me n scold me illogically, I will b depressed n even retail therapy lost its effect...tat's y I need stability in my relationships.Sometimes I cry hard when u treat me badly , wif my mum n sis's images popping in my brain. Dun. just dun put me in such a state.. coz I can't take it. I wan to love u wif all my heart.. I wan to be in luv wif u always.. dun make me feel trapped n lose these feelings k...

Whenever some unhappy, ugly memories crept into my head.. I will be in anxiety n feel defensive... I hope I'll be ok 1 day.

I wan to be happy, u to be happy, ppl u care to be happy , my family n close pals o be happy....

Flying days & nites

2005-07-16T06:18:00.000-07:00

Been flying since 21st May... d most enjoyable part ( other than receiving $ of coz haha ) is hving someone to pick u up after a day's work.. it's true o... I'll always look ard to c if anyone is looking ard 4 me at the arrival gates.. haha obviously no rite.. I'm nt coming back after a hol or wat ma haha...

The 2nd enjoyable factor is meeting nice crew, who r nice to get along n has a patient nature ( this is damm important if u r as junior as me haha ) Happy to know a num of frenz :)

The most irritating thing abt this occupation is tat ( no.. its nt becoz u hv to work on weekends.. coz weekdays n weekends dun matter anymore 2 me.. haha as long as its my off day!!haha Anyway Orchard is still as packed irregardless which day of d week lo )u hv to get up at odd hrs... n end up ur biological clock will be messed up!!! U can slp all day after an overnite flight which results sleepless nite on tat day n u will stay up late which will make u tired if u hv a morn flight d day after.. haha kind of like a complicated riddle rite ..

anyway I'm excited!!! coz I hv a challenge on hand.. * tink tink* tat is to attend theory lessons 4 basic driving theory test.. its gonna cost me a bomb... but guess its worth it coz d license is 4 life... unlike our SEP.. must go recurrent annually!!! But 4 safety's sake.. it's essential!! ( kee kee somemore recurrent.. may mt hunks at STC haha )

Tom I'm flying... heng arr.. it's wif a gd CIC.. just pray d crew is as nice!!1 ** pray hard***

kee kee.. gotta rush back ... 240.. here I come!!!

Ps I Love You

2005-05-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

Currently reading this novel called PS I Love you... quite interesting ( though I've only read the 1st 3 chpts)... haha ... It sets me thinking... When I eventually die 1 day, I hope to be able to write letters to each of my loved ones.. to tell them how I feel, teach them how to let go ( well.. provided my death means omething to them :P) .. I think if I'm d one receiving it, I'll be v touched ...

I think I will write to each of my family members, my partner, my previous bfs n also ppl I care abt.... However on d other hand, will my letters cause them more grief? Coz I would feel sadder , hardder to let go if my loved one wrote to me ....

For my partner, I will write many letters just like Gerry in d novel.. but I will write longer ltrs... hmm... hoping he will be able to piece his life back w/o me....

Maybe I shld start writing now?? Coz one doesn't know when she will die... mayb too sudden, too late to write anything now when it happens..

Let's think abt this.

2005-04-24T04:18:00.000-07:00

So *d* long since I last updated.... just no mood to blog coz sick of blogging onlywhenever I'm feeling down...Today is Sunday... a lazy yawny day.. @ home now... haiz.. so long nt back here.. yet feel all d strains of d hse again when I' back.. wat to do? That's life wat...I just wanna be nice to my mum, sis... hope I can earn more $ in near future n provide a better life for them...

Recently I find doing household chores such as sweeping n mopping v theraptic ... hahaha.. I've nvr did any housework..(nt even washing a cup I use for drinking k haha Yah I know I'm spoilt in tat sense) for my past 21 yrs ... kee kee now WQ is living alone.. of coz I'll help out wif d chores lo... I think it helps to maintain figure too.. guess tat's y my mum is d same size as me after all these yrs...haha...Btw, it's nt easy to live alone k... after work... already dead beat.. yet still hv to do the laundry n iron clothes.... nt to mention sweeping n mopping d floor.. n eating ta bao food daily is damm sickening n unhealthy....haiz " si shang zi you mama hao" :P I hope to be a competent mummy in future.. a mummy my kids will be able to talk to ...

Gotta go dinner... bye

LiFe iS nVr pEaCeFuL?!?

2005-03-12T21:05:00.000-08:00

Great news :) * I've passed my basic( nt driving license la) SEP safety test!!:) It includes MCQS n practicals! phew!! :) So happy... nvr had this sense of accomplishmnt ever since Ileft schl.. I guess I am the type tat needs challenges all d time.. can't stick to routine work... :) So so, rite now.. I hv to pass my Fleet type test, Security test , First Aid (heard its the hardest) n I can fly!! kee kee :)

The only thing tat is holding me back is my relationship.... He doesn't like my job, he is being sarcastic whenever I tell him something interesting abt the job *haiz*.. so sure he is my the one.. yet so hard to get along sometimes .. in fact most of d times we pick on each other.. ok ok... most of d times he started it... dunno y .. haiz.. who says women r hard to understand?.. Guys aren't any easier to understand.. stupid egoistic nature, petty to d core.. omg.. i seem to be describing tat particular someone... haha...haiz.. despite... all these... i still

feel d same.. " U r my The One dear.. dun doubt it, dun. "

Hope to fly soon :)

* ^ TiReD 0o BusY o0 BuT cOoL o0o ^*

2005-03-02T20:30:00.000-08:00

It's been so long since I write in rite.. nothing much to write.. so nvr update lo.. Hmm... in a new environment .. feels like I'm back to SJAB camps in secondary.. haha... kanna be v disciplined & " senority conscious" lo.. haha nvr thot the politics I seen in sec can be used here .. kee kee

Learning many new things daily. although its been only 2 days... hmm... I like the feeling of learning new things & the challenge of learning well everything tat's thrown to me. Infront of me is a gd challenge.. gotta study hard & practise till perfection to get the license to do wat I wan * wink wink*

I know d path ahead will be tough.. wif those bloody childish f**kers around.. life sure won't be easy for next 1/2 yr hahah... wat to do ? I will cry ( nt infront of them ) bear wif it as I like to overcome challenges.. weird ar??

Haiz.. v tired physically n mentally.. feels neglected my dear dear... hope he will tahan to prove true love prevails!! keekee

" bend over, heads down,stay down , stay down !"

oOoO Where's happily ever after oOoO

2005-02-18T11:36:00.000-08:00

Yo... Ms Agony Aunt Ferline is here to nag again... so long nvr blog.. coz nothing much to write.. Haiz... Seems like I only turn to my blog whenever I'm troubled.. haha *sorry blog*

How's ur V day? Mine was sweet.. actually whatever d one I love give me.. I will be v happy.. as long as d gift is bought wif sincerity... anyway... it was a nice V day.. For me.. I dun like typical V day.. go fancy restaurants.. d whole flowers package n stuff... I prefer relaxing environment where I can just wear T shirt n shorts n just enjoy d sea view or slack @ home watching vcd.. wif my loved one.. to me... On V day.. ur partner's companion is d critical factor.. so great rite.. if both of u can just sit n relax n talk abt ur past... present.. :)

Yester.. we quarrel... major one k... sad to say... it left a crack in this relationship.. shifted d level of dependency I place on him..I love him a lot... This I'm v sure... but I'm quite realistic too... I believe I can't rely on him emotionally... He disappoints me too much... the way he acted yester..makes me think twice if this is d kind of guy I wan to be wif in long term? Yah.. he is gd to me... he can be sweet... buying me milk when he fetches me from work , talk crap wif me.. but sometimes he is so shitty to me too... he can be so attitude.. so rude.. nvr give me face in front of his frenz, family.. I cannot take it lo...I am d "dun wan lose face " type.. he treat me this way... how to tolerate? I always hv d belief tat no matter how serious is my quarrel wif my bf, I will still give him face in front of frenz n family coz this is btw both of us.. no pt makes him awkward lo.. no matter how angry, frustrated I am..i will still stuff it inside me... till we r alone.. I believe its a form of respect for ur partner..apparently he does nt think this way..Anyway.. he already put it on d table.. saying "my attitude is like tat, take it or leave it?" He makes it so clear .. I c no point putting effort in someone who doesn't realise his mistake n speaks this way to u.. I feel sad.. v sad coz I feel he can say this to me coz I'm nt tat important to him after all...mayb he left only a pathetic % of love left after all d past relationships.. that's y he can only give this much to me.. Either way.. rite now... I dun wan to be near his vicinity, presence... I just wan to hv my own life... at least for today..

I dun understand.. Y I put in my heart n soul in all my relationships.. yet d guys always take me for granted... either playing PS2 whole day.. ignore me when we only c each other 2 days a wk... OR. give me attitude... am I asking too much from my partner? Although I'm d pessimestic kind who dun wan to think abt future.. but every relationship.. I put in my everything...I will put him as my 1st priority... wat he likes I will try my best to get it within my means, try to help him solve his problems.. if can't.. try to console him.. Both of them say I'm a great gf ( minus d fiery temper) then y dun treat me better?? I think my "Si Xue" is that I am too soft hearted.. n I treat them too nice.. they take me for granted.. well that's me.. dun think can change coz my loved one will always be my 1st priority.. so I just hv to find d right person to put all this devotion to...N I think I've learned new stuff again.. next time. I won't put in so much in an effort initially le... I will make sure this guy is worth it then give him my everything.. *sob sob* coz I dun wan to be hurt this way again...

Boorrring...

2005-02-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

Today is such a boring day..luckily :) my internet is up again hee.. Or else arr.. sure bored to death one..Finished my 8 Days n dar is busy....n dun wan to do cross stitch coz I'm afraid it will be dirty le... Actually Lao Tian v gd to me le.. today I'm a lone n there r nt much calls :)... really le " hao ren you hao bao" haha ... thick skinned rite??:)

I'm glad that things btw us r back to honeymoon stage again... from these few days' disputes.. I learnt arr... couples shld really communicate le.. it makes a difference...

* I'm waiting 4 an important call... so every call from my hp makes me jump.. :P .. every radiation I heard ... ( it goes" da..da..da") fills me wif anticipation haha... *

Yester after *tat* ,went to dar's shop... n his shifu's place.. such a sacred place... v clean n peaceful.. gives a whole new meaning to Buddhism for me... Anyway.. the shifu is so humorous.. so funny.. :) Really can make u laugh till u hv stitches..@ nite.. went supper wif dear n his 2 buddies.. quite relaxing to be ard him n his frenz n just chat... his frenz r nice .

New Yr is next wed.. n I haven buy any New Year clothes..haha.. no time le... n no one acc me *sob sob*.. :P

Today's gonna be a long.. long day 4 me.. alone in office .. work 9 hrs k.. n then evening hv to work for another 1.5 hrs.. no OT.. nothing.. well nvr mind... it win't b long anyway.. haha

Hmm... d feeing while waiting for a result, answer.. can be so damm miserable...Haiz.. I have nvr felt so nervous ever since I got my academic results..
*Pray*

Mouth kind of itching 4 junk food now.. but I feel full.. feel so damm bored... *yawanz*...Nowadays.. Class95 keeps playing sentimental songs.. how to curb office guys/gals' "after lunch slpy mode"? Wonder how many actually doze off after lunch? haha

*Bad News* My colleague smsed me that she won't be in tomorrow.. got to do more X rays.. mayb left me only AGAIN.. * sob sob* worst part,.. whole day cannot go toilet.. lunch inside.. lunch hv to ta pao in morn for d whole day ... OH MY GOD!!!... V sian le.. but in some way..I hv freedom la.. haiz.. better faster leave this " gui di fang" .. so many ppl leave instantly .. I want to pao le.. better prepare my rsignation ltr asap...actually intend to leave end of FEB.. but may leave earlier due to *tat*

Thinking of tom.. also sian .. but at least tom its Friday n I 've no duty tom.. ..although Sat needs to come back..

Miss WQ.. how I wish I can hug him now..

Recently there's a guy who called in ( I take inbound calls.. complaints .. etc) he's v cute.. very courteous.. he called to look for someone else.. but he is very innocent lo.. very cute.. will ask u " y he nt at his desk? " in a curious manner.. unlike those irriating callers that sound so accusing when they can't get to d person they r looking for...I think he has down syndrome n he's very innocent.. n u know wat?? He will ask my name n say " ferline Happy New Yr.. bye bye.." so sweet... It tugs at my heart ... hmm.. my heart just melts leh... sometimes really " sha ren you sha fu" :) It may b a blessing to remain sweet n innocent forever.. oblivious to this scheming world.. this society that focuses on money,power, status n looks...

so near yet so far

2005-01-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

Do u hv tat feeling sometimes..tat someone u feel close to is so far away from u ? Recently I feel this way...

I feel tat I wan to b understanding.. b near him.. comfort him.. but when we mt up.. we seem so far from each other... he has many problems n it shows on his face... n in turn... he is short tempered n irritates d hell out of me coz I can't tolerate his nonsense... then we will nt speak anything to each other n then ... I will feel guilty n we will speak n after a while .. d cycle repeats...

I dunno wats wrong.. but all these made me feel like crying.. I dunno y this is happening 2 us.. whether its temp coz of his problems or permenant.....

its so hard to take things easy .... coz I care.. coz he affects me so much...

1 stare.. 1 sarcastic remark... 1 insensitive action can make me drop tears.. I wonder is it coz nowadays I'm more emotional or due to I care too much...

I need time wif him to chat.. a hug & cuddle.. a warm geeting... these days I get cold sarcastic remarks...irritated tones.. I must control my own emotions coz any complain from me will only add on to his burden.. n d best part is.. I always forget abt tat n give him a face... so d cycle repeats again

mayb I am nt understanding enough... mayb our characters clash...

well I just hope things will b better.. hope I can b more understanding...

Just a blog

2005-01-31T00:06:00.000-08:00

Yo..quite a while didn't blog coz copany PC down.. now its 11:53am I'm using bro's laptop lo.... hugging dar's Century Pillow while typing haha...it smells so comforting yet my bro is so afraid of it.. he dosn't want his pillows to touch century pillow...haha but I like it so much... :P

Just finished cooing dar 2 slp.. actually no need me to coo la,he is so tired .. will snore 15 mins after d conversation starts... haha

These days.. nothing much happened but 1 special event is up hee hee ( Nt V'Day la)hmm... if it goes through.. then will write here lo.. Hmm... sometimes I wish dar can read my blog n understand d inner me..

These few days we keep hving disputes.. this time round..there r real cracks 4 d relationship.. for me la.. as 4 him.. I think in some way.. it affects his emotions 4 me too.. Hmm. I think these few days.. must restore our feelings 4 each other... Currently doing cross stitch 4 him.. Precious Moments pic.. meant to be a X'mas gift.. well ... erm... kinda 4gt abt it.. haha so let it be an extra V'day gift lo kee kee

Nowadays dear has many problems.. how I hope can help him.. but its nt withthin my means... I hope at least I can be there emotionally for him 100%

Gotta go.. Pray 4 me * special event*

Again & again.. I'm so tired..

2005-01-15T21:24:00.000-08:00

In d noon.. we had a quarrel again ( wat's new?) ... I'm so sick n tired of these quarrels. which is like so many times each wk... I believe he is sick of it too... I wonder y we keep quarrelling.. I'm starting to think d problem lies wif me.. my old relation also has this problem.. so it can't be coincidental rite?

I rem he once told me " when u r still just frenz wif a gal.. there is so much to talk abt.. so many common areas... however once both r together.. there's only quarrels left..." its so true n its happening to us rite now...

I wonder y... y both parties care n mean alot to each other hv to hurt & tire each other wif words n actions... y both parties r picking on each other's wrong doings continously ? Y can't both sides just " da shi hua xiao, xiao shi hua wu?" I'm so so tired... our already fragile relationship is tearing up coz of little things we can't stand abt each other ... I think its me.. coz I seem to blow up every little thing I can't stand ( coz d little matter means such a big deal to me) after blowing up d matter..I will then question myself is it worth to drain both parties' emotions at d end of d day? When it only makes both of us feel more rotten abt ourselves after tat? I dunno y I'm like tat.. I can't help it.. its my "zhi ming shang" I guess....

Wat's worse is tat I knew I care for him alot alot...although we quarrel.. I still crave to be in his presence... even if we r silent n angry n nt doing anything or going anywhere... I still feel better being angry wif him beside me then alone or wif frenz outside.. Sickening rite? I dunno y I 'm like tat.. I used to just wan to run away from bf whenever we quarrel ... Dunno y 4 him.. I prefer this way... Since he means so much to me... y..y am I hurting both of us time n time again? I love him to bits but I'm almost as emotionally tired as my feelings for him...I think its due to my "pickyness" I think I hv to realise no one is perfect.. I dun pick on bf's character.. dun measure how much efforts he puts in d relationship.. but I realise I pick on bf's ways of talking or treating me tat I kan bu guo yan .. such as shouting @ me or always give me 1 stupid black face.. mayb I'm too sensitive to how my bf treats me..but I can't condone my guy shouting @ me... I'm nt wrong rite?

...I'm @ d junction rite now.. I love him but I'm also thinking of d opposite ending.. both r as appealing.. both r as appalling haha...

I think I seriously hv a problem wif relationships & commitment... due to background I guess... I realise tat I 'n always focusing on the problems we face in d relationship...rarely magnifying d magic we share in d relationship.. d chemistry we generated.. I forgot every relationship sure has a side tat needs compromise n tolerance...

Today I realise a lot of things ya... will reflect on it.. I promise...

XOXO No matter wat... my feeings r deep n true 4 u XOXO.. although u won't b reading this blog.. won't know it existed .. just wanna declare this here...

not so happy me

2005-01-13T14:40:00.000-08:00

Has mixed feelings today...diff feelings seem to overwhelm me.. :(

Things btw WQ n me seems to reach a bottoomless hole... can't give up.. but keeping falling.. falling into unresolvable stage... am I too dramatic? But this is how i feel now... Sometimes I feel that I can't breathe when we hv misunderstanding.. when we can't communicate .. when he misunderstands my words n actions or refuse to listen to my explanations... Sometimes.. esp during recent conflicts.. I just feel like giving up.. I'm so so tired of explaining to someone who turned on deaf ears.... who is determined to listen to his own heart... I'm so mentally tired.. nowadays.. when I feel tired.. I just stop explaining, be silent and just stare faraway... inside my heart.. I feel despair, tired, my anger filled me up tilll I feel I wanna explode...I feeel very " wu nei".. dunno wat can I do to resolve our problem whenever we quarrel..coz I feel angry n desperate at the same time...

Whenever I'm in d silent mode... he'll also b quiet... then will look at me wif his round puppy eyes n say sorry... well... it used to work on me.. but the magic somehow doesn't rub on me as much anymore...if u use d same tactic everytime...anyone would hv expectd u would use this to make everything ok again n again...which is nt right as problems shld be discussed n solved/compromise n forget it .. nt just treat it as nothing happened... mayb I'm d voice out kind of pax.. I must pour out how i feel.. if I keep it in me.. I won't be able to treat d person like b4... I just hope to say it out , settle it n put it behind me...but obviously he is the "silent-angry a while-dun mention it again" type...so.. *clash* lo...

Actually.. on Xuan's wedding day.. he was v nice lo.. nvr nag @ me for my top which was too revealing in his opinion ( FYI... even spagaetti straps is revealing in his eyes).. d food was yummy.. d march in was so funny :) Andy was like a MP haha... quite fun.. seems like a gathering for everyone kee kee

1 memorable moment.. I felt so touched when I saw Xuan's mum dressed so elegantly n so nicely made up.. I felt touched coz she made so much effort for her daughter's wedding.. In tat instant, I realise tat a mother has 2 happiest n beautiful momemts in her life..1st... on her wedding day.. 2nd.. when her precious daughter gets married :).. I feel so touched just reminscing tat day.. am I too emotional?

Yester was quite down as JH smsed me many things n I feel sad coz he is hurting from my choice... I hope he'll be happy soon.. I want to help him get out of the hurt ... but d more I show my concern, d worse everything will be.. d only thing I can do is to stay as far as possible... *I'm sorry* His sms made me think back of d past... it all seemed surreal... seemed so far.. so long ago.. I had nt seen him since then.. but some scenes will be imprinted in my heart always n I'll rem him in fond ways... irreplacable in my life...

* Wish me luck* :P ,.. dun ask y kee kee

2005-01-11T16:05:00.000-08:00

Yo

Yesterday enjoyed myself wif darling's company... it was a special day for us... it was d 1st time we get to spend a whole day 24 hrs together.. w/o working or d need to rush here n there..v fun... singing ktv for 4 hrs at 1 go.. kee kee li hai hor? We sang many songs & talked rubbish in d room hee hee ...

I guess I'm really in luv.. so in luv... I hv such intense feelings 4 him.. whenever I look at him ( not when I'm angry wif him of coz) there's a surge of emotions...I dunno d emotions r made up of wat.... but I love to watch him when he's driving.. slping... smiling...his animated looks.. I enjoy just watching him....there r just few things I can't stand abt him.. haha.. can't list here la... cannot make my dear dear pai sey ma...Its nt easy to hv special feelings 4 someone .. buts its even harder to maintain d relationship.. so I'll treasure d bond lao tian give us.. n work hard for this relationship *smiles*

Dear dear is going back to his hospitality line n I'm happy he is going back to do wat he likes..there's a niggering thot at the back of my mind .. feelings of insecurity as hotel line has many babes n he is working wif them daily.. moreover.. colleague says hotel line damm complicated...( I feel a tug at my heart whenever I think of this) however, I believe whatever will happen will happen... n whatever happens, it's god's will... if he luvs me, he'll not stray :) If he strays, at least its now then later..:) ( I'm so optimistic arr haha ) So no pt thinking of all these " wat if" qns.. who knows abt the future? :) So just treasure n enjoy d present hee hee

Today back @ work after 4 consecutive off days.. feel super slack... n bored at work... hope time pass by faster...

*I miss donald duck mouth*

2005-01-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

Today I'm feeling kind of "neutral-down" though was feeling nt too bad @ the beginning of d way.. y? Kind of had a dispute wif him lo.. over some small stuff.. hmm.. feeling heavy.. sian u know? Always feel this way when things r unsettled btw us n I hate feeling so down.. but wat to do? Sometimes I feel I really dunno how to communicate wif him.. the feelings r there.. I care for him a lot.. but communication wise.. both of us seems to carry lots of emotional baggage n reserved our thoughts abt some stuff... mayb we r too alike .. tat's y... At times like now.. I just feel like forsaking this relationship.. so tat I will nt experience heavy feelings time n time again when we quarrel. Mayb after multiple quarrels, I'll cease to feel this way again .. become numb?

Relationships r so hard to maintain.. try ur best to maintain n both of ur may split up in the end... n u will feel exhausted... feel all emotions being sucked away.. haiya.. I hate to feel so -ve n pen all these stuff which will add on to my depression state.. Whatever happens, I'll still be in 1 piece.. so no worries! :) * going to buy in lunch now * * Grinz* *

Marsmallow cotton candy Mushybubblegum minty flavour *feeling

2004-12-29T12:23:00.000-08:00

Currently I'm reading "Shanghai Baby" .. reaching chpt 3 only.. hmm.. can understand y its a best seller.. the author gave a true account of her biography.. describing how she felt @ tat moment... etc... hmm...I guess she nvr mince her words.. really put her emotional side on the line for the world to see... I feel she's v brave coz how many of us dares to bare ourselves for the world to judge?(Btw, her book was banned n burned in China for its controversial content) On the other hand, I am curious how she can reveal so much abt herself without feeling exposed or drained? She can really write v well.. her descriptive verses are so imaginative n beautiful.. its a sensual autobiography ...

Yester (Tues), I chanced upon my bro's Friendster acct while I was accessing the net wif his laptop... hmm.. it hit me that I practically dunno my bro at all.. he has grown so much... he has experienced love lost, being loved n other new relevations in this yr... wow... in my eyes. he's that irritating spoilt brat all along who knows nothing other than LAN games... Unconsciously, he has grown up in his own way n I'm left out of all this though we live under the same roof for the past 18 yrs.. I realised that as a family, we r nt close at all.. we hv nvr liao tian together, nvr share anything together... I've nvr considered his feelings b4.. well.. suddenly feel I'm a failure as a sister.. I've nvr showed any concern for my bro.. I've been focusing on other aspects of my life.. hmm... sudden feel guilty.. I will take an extra mile to know more abt him.. decided to buy 1 nice top for him when I get my pay this mth..

There r many many things I feel like writing down.. but it seems to come out 1/2 way n I dunno wat to write... Hmm.. recently, i fell in lurrve wif Japanese food packaging.. its so kawaii!! :P so nicely, neatly heart wrenchingly beautifully wrapped up... each piece of choco/candy is given such exquistive dressing..ohhh..can't bear to eat it ( although I can't resist n ate them up haha after ohhing n arrhing over it ..kee kee) So, we should appreciate the package design of each product instead of just unwrapping n eat it up! I suggest this rule: Everyone holding a Japanese food product shld admire it for at least 1 min b4 he/she is allowed to munch up the food ... ( something like a b4 food prayer 4 Christians??haha) Its just to show respect to the package designer n appreciate their effort k! :)

I promise to fight my * depression* tame my *fiery temper* n *embrace life wif enthusiam* in 2005.. not forgetting to shower love to my loved ones.. including Blackie!

Damm weather, damm headache, damm me

2004-12-19T21:00:00.000-08:00

I'm dammed dammed ... pissed off taoday... no significant reason .. just get pissed off with everything... feeling so irrational today ( damm phone ringing now...interrupting my blogging) I guess my irritating mood must be due to my post PMS... niggering headache and pain but not so pain sore throat... trying to lighten up.. but its getting more n more sickening...Throat pain pain but craving for choco milk....

Wat a lousy day.. feel like packing up now.. dun work.. go home slp n play wif Blackie!! :P My only joy now... even Wq also irritates the hell of me though d problem lies with me...ya.. Blackie upgrade le.. hee hee it has moved from a 1 room flat to a double storey pinky condo.. hee hee presie from QQ :) so happy.. QQ so nice hor... bought n help me install the whole house.. kee kee *muacks*

Talking abt him.. really worry le.. yester see him so shacked... eyes drooping while driving... haiz...really worry abt him while he's drving late at nite n speeding.. goosh... so worried... :( ... see him work so long hrs n so hard n unhappy i feel so helpless... ( wat the heck.. make me more guilty I threw slight tantrum @ him just now.. hmm.. will call him apologise lo ) damm phone ringing again

I shld learn to appreciate my life.. hmm shldn't hv so much complaints.. Just called WQ to apologise.. damm it.. end up feeling more irritated wif him.. Arrgh......

Paper me

2004-12-17T16:36:00.000-08:00

Hi..

Feel like a paper right now... coz did not have sufficient slp yester... thot nvr went out can slp early.. end up zzz @ 3 am.... Qiang Qiang is 10 times more tired than me.. yet he still sends me to work this morn *grinz* so sweet of him.. Hmm... my colleagues say I'm so easily pleased.. she says sending me to work n all tat stuff is wat WQ shld do... haha mayb I'm really too easily contented or mayb I just appreciate every little thing my special one did for me.. who cares? It's in me.. so can't do anything abt it...

Today after work mayb meeting Xuan Xuan... Hmm.. waiting for my salary so that I can buy stuff for QQ n myself.. i wanna buy him a digital watch ( the metal clasp one I bought can't be used when he's working) some 3/4 pants for him, some stuff for his car... as 4 myself.. I want to shop shop shop !! n mayb change my hairstyle.. its so sickening...

Yah..yester I CARRIED Blackie!! hee hee... Amzingly Little Blackie doesn't bite n its so cute.. so trusting.. :) Love it so so much... hee hee .. a portion of my salary will be used to furnish his home too hee... miss Blackie now.. Hmm... mayb 1 day I can smuggle Blackie into office.. kee kee.. here only 3 of us, who will know.. ha haha

Yester tried a new template .. ehh... successful but can't view my posting.. so changed back to this simple one.. hee hee..nvr mind la.. slowly learn how to upgrade lo..heehee

K.. tat's for now.. gotta start work *Yawnz*

-----True Love Nvr Runs Smooth-----

2 Mths Old le

2004-12-17T01:03:00.000-08:00

Yo.. today is a boring Fridae ... my hair is so messy... my eyes feels so so tired ... y leh? Haiz.. coz had a dispute with Mr Yang lo.. who else can make me so miserable rite? haha... Hmm.. after 2 torturous nites.. everything is ok again.. both needs to compromise lo... Anyway.. today is our 2nd mth together ..kee kee actually its nothing lo.. 2 mths only.. :) I'm looking @ 20 yrs down the road 4 us haha :) ( Won't I be old & haggy by that time !! haha )

Now its 5.11pm.. waiting for 5.30 to balik kampung to zzz... so tiring.. but luckily today is nt a hectic day :) Lao Tian blessed me!! hee hee :P Today I ate very little.. dunno y? mayb coz I drank too much choco milk... :)

Hmm.. just got Blackie from ny goddaughter's mummy... its so so so kawaii!! Even No. 1 animal hater (a.k.a my mum) loves it! haha The power of hamsters!! I've been searching the net to get an idea wat to buy for Blackie... hee hee.. it's so cute..

Ya..I love my blogskin too.. so sweet rite... kee kee... its from www.blogskins.com

Hmm... stomach growling le.. dunno eat wat later? ( kind of sick of eating .. meals r so boring... I prefer sweets n desserts .. yummy yummy!)

X'mas is around the corner... so romantic rite?? hee hee.. just d 2 of us wld be perfect ... haha (dreaming again) Dunno leh.. nowadays arr.. getting homely..prefers to gather a few gd frenz n talk n chat @ home. rather than go chiong le... most likely coz Mr Yang will drink n drive which cause me much worry..wrinkles... haha

Really glad I have a few gd frenz ard me...yester when I'm down.. Xuan Xuan bought me Hershely Kisses.. wahh waah.. envious rite? hee hee somemore she puts them in a tube of "Lock & Lock tupperware... so sweet wor.. kee kee *touched*:P She says its my goddaughter thats instigates her to do tat.. hahaha Love her.. Muacks..Pte was v nice too.. send me sms to ask me how am i .. hee hee

K la.. gotta go.. 5.31 pm le.. gotta feed my stomach